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Thread: Feeling suicidal

  1. #1
    New Member
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    Feeling suicidal

    Hi, I'm new here and I'll try and give you some background...
    I've been depressed (and suicidal) since I was 8 years old...tried smothering and drowning myself but it didn't work. Several times I've gone to the train station with the idea of throwing myself under a train and I chickened out. I know pills won't work so I'm pretty much stuck with being alive.
    I lost a lot of relatives within a 10 year period (virtually every Christmas) and in the last four years I lost my grandmother's of whom I was close to and my mum (who was also my best friend and the only one who understood me) so I'm already depressed and now feeling entirely lost.
    I got sick when I was in my early 20's - I was having blackouts and passing out...dad was always having to come pick me up from work.
    I finally got a proper diagnoses from a locum GP (not my regular doctor) and I was told it was my thyroid (under active) I was put on tablets - job done, right? Wrong!!!
    Even after a year or so of taking these tablets I was still getting problems...roll on another locum and this time it's fibromyalgia...at the beginning I had specialists, therapists and pain management and then after about a year all that disappeared and I was on my own.
    Every year I get worse...I'm constantly in pain, nauseas and fatigued to the point I can't even function at all some days - I also had various other stuff like my skin started falling off and leaving big open sores that I couldn't cover cause it made them fill with pus...turns out I'm allergic to my own progesterone hormone. And yes it's incredibly rare...I get sick from a cold or flu it takes me weeks and weeks (I've been sick since November with this coughing bug and bronchitis) I also have many other issues like menorahge, incontanence etc
    Anyway I'll try to get to the point - I applied for PIP and it was denied, I sent out a form thanks to the CAB to appeal the decision and it was still denied...I also had to have two medicals (one for PIP and one for ESA)...the ESA one was awful as I was bleeding heavily (and had been for four weeks) and had the coughing bug so was pissing myself as well when I coughed...I had been in the support group for 4 years but after this medical they have moved me to the WRAG group and to top this all off I've not had any payment since 23rd December 2016 and now badly overdrawn at the bank...to say I'm stressed is an understatement.
    I'm very very close to ending it all because I can't take the pain and sickness I'm dealing with in a daily basis, I have no close friends or close family apart from dad, no partner and an fed up with trying to tell my doctor and the government how sick I am (I need to point out that my doctor has virtually given me no help whatsoever with this recent bug and will not help me with the fibromyalgia...I'm even denied painkillers to help and am having to use over the counter medication which just doesn't work)
    I am sorry this is so long but I desperately need some friendly advice...and don't suggest Samaritans cause when I emailed them they just said get better soon (and that was when I was thinking of suicide)

  2. #2
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    Hi, you need to go to A&E and ask to speak to the laision psychiatrist team, they will give you an assessment of your mental health and either admit you or refer you to the community psychiatric team, if your banks threatened you in any way and they know your current circumstances, no income and on benefits, then they can only freeze your account and may offer to take your account charges off for the period of when your benefits were stopped, I would suggest you contact CAB or welfare rights team from your local council about having your benefit stopped, please come back and let us know your ok, if you have any supporting friends ask them to come round to keep you company till your in a better frame of mind.

  3. #3
    Senior Member Lighttouch's Avatar
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    For such a young person you certainly have experienced some tragic things like losing your mum. It looks like your support network is very small so it's difficult to talk to anyone who understands.

    Life is very precious and a gift - you only get one and your mum would want you to fulfil your potential.

    You're thinking very 'inwardly' about your health, situation and your thoughts of suicide are actually a cry for help.

    One of the best ways to raise your spirits is to help other people - think 'outwardly'. Match your interests to something that's happening locally. Exercise and fresh air are good for your well-being.

    You sound like you're at a low ebb and grieving for losing loved ones and you miss their support. The cold dark, wet wintery weather won't help either. Time is a great healer, you need time to heal the emotional pain you feel.

    I don't know where you live but you need to find out if there is a club like 42nd Street where young adults meet and you can share your experience and have some fun. http://42ndstreet.org.uk

    Take care for now and remember you can always chat here.

  4. #4
    Member Sky's Avatar
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    I am not qualified to give you counsel, but I have lost three friends to suicide. In all three cases, their problems could have been resolved if they had only talked to someone. You have taken the greatest and hardest step - opening up to us; a bunch of total strangers. It WILL get easier from now on, but as Lighttouch and Blastoff have said; you need to contact the people that can truly help you.

    Think of how your dad would feel if you were no longer around. When I was a teenager, I got myself into a right mess with booze, drugs and a 'bad' girlfriend and had a right ba**ard of a stepfather who constantly bullied me.

    I ended up in hospital after taking a deliberate overdose - the pain it caused my mother cannot be described in words. I never truly understood how much pain until I felt it myself when she died many years later.

    I am nearly sixty now and I'm virtually housebound through disability. I am in constant pain and like you, painkillers do nothing.

    Losing your mum is one of the most painful periods in anyone's life. You have come through that, so be gentle with yourself and seek that help and comfort that you so desperately need. It won't come to you.

    Good luck.

  5. #5
    Senior Member deebee's Avatar
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    Some good advice here regarding your mental health issues,something I am unable to help with,but with regards to your physical health,try logging in to healthunlocked.
    There are communities there for both thyroid and fibro conditions
    The fibro group also has a dedicated benefits advisor
    May I also suggest you ask your gp for some bereavement counselling
    I wish you all the very best x

  6. #6
    New Member Afilia16's Avatar
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    Hi CG76, may I start by saying you have taken a very brave step reaching out virtually. I believe it can't be easy having to pour out your problems and thought down but believe me it does help. I really can empathise with you in terms of feeling like there is no light at the end of the tunnel, cos I have been where you are before. But believe me, it is only a phase in your life, it will surely pass. In a near distance you will reflect back at this period and just cry endlessly and be thankful you are alive because believe me, although it may seem very though, painful and filled with misery, those that have passed away will give anything just to come back and live their life again.

    Therefore mate, please, please, please, decide to start living as best as you can and I believe you will start feeling better from within. Being in pain 24/7 doesn't help staying positive but, believe me when I say there is always others worst of in their illness than you. I will also echo blastoff's suggestion of going to the AnE to see a liaison psychiatrist team, they are very helpful and more active as suppose to the GPs. All the best dear. Keep us posted.

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